The Mystery of Life: Death, Spirit Guides & The Beyond (Say More! Vol. 3)

What if your deepest fears about aging weren’t about wrinkles or retirement—but about forgetting your own name, or being forgotten by the people you love? In this soul-stirring episode of Beauty in the Break, Foster and Cesar return with their listener-favorite “Say More” series for a deeply personal, unscripted conversation on spiritual connection, parenting through imperfection, aging, grief, family patterns, and what might live on after death.

Through surprise prompts, they explore the aching beauty of the present moment, the possibility of spirit guides and past lives, and the emotional weight of watching loved ones change—or vanish—over time. From Cesar’s longing to understand the unseen world to Foster’s vision of village-style parenting in modern cities, this episode holds space for vulnerability, wonder, and real-time healing. Whether you're navigating big life transitions, contemplating spiritual beliefs, or simply looking for a reminder that you're not alone, this episode offers a poetic invitation to slow down, say more, and reconnect—with yourself, your people, and the mystery of life.

In this episode:

• How Foster figured out who her spirit guides are—and why it doesn’t matter if it’s “real”
• Can a psychic tell you who you are? The mystery of mediums, ancestral wisdom, and what lies beyond
• Cesar drops a wildly unpopular opinion about parenting—and you might secretly agree
• The "village" Foster dreams of building—and how it could change motherhood in cities
• The terrifying beauty of growing old: Why we fear aging more than death itself
• How falling in love sparked a creative renaissance—and birthed a poetry book, a podcast, and a whole new self
• Why pretending we have it all together is hurting us—and what happens when we admit we don’t

If this episode spoke to you, you will love Say More! Vol. 2 where we reject hustle culture and spill some secrets. You can also watch the episodes on YouTube.

If you enjoyed this episode, take a moment to follow Beauty in the Break on your favorite podcast app and leave a review—it really helps!

Reach out to the show—send an email or voice note to beautyinthebreakpod@gmail.com and be sure to follow on Instagram. 

Cesar Cardona:

• Attend his upcoming speaking engagements
• Listen to music from Cesar + The Clew on Apple Music and Spotify
• Receive his monthly newsletter Insights That Matter

Foster Wilson:

• Buy her poetry book Afternoon Abundance
• Learn about her postpartum services
• Receive her monthly newsletter Foster’s Village

Created & Hosted by: Cesar Cardona and Foster Wilson

Executive Producer: Glenn Milley

This episode is brought to you by Arlene Thornton & Associates

Transcript

I really feel like to have a kid, people should be required to take some sort of course on

child psychology.

Just learning what you do and what you don't do will affect a child.

I want to figure out how to bring a modern day village into a big city like this.

I think it starts with knowing your neighbors.

But there's something so beautiful again about the present moment of life.

I'm going to miss this song one day.

Hello and welcome to Beauty in the Break.

I'm Foster.

And I'm Cesar.

This is the podcast where we explore the moments that break us open and how we find beauty on

the other side.

So whatever you're carrying today, you don't have to carry it alone.

We are here with you.

Thanks for being here and enjoy the show.

Sometimes the kids will ask me, would you rather this or this?

And I'll go, I like the or.

I like the or.

They're like, no.

Okay, cool.

Hello.

Sorry, gotta be serious though.

Welcome.

Welcome to the weirdest Beauty in the Break.

Wait, this isn't the show You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes?

Welcome to Beauty in the Break.

You never know what you're going to get.

You never know what you're going to get.

I will say something and I will say more.

That's what we're going to do today.

This is our third rendition of our favorite game.

Say more.

Why is it important in life to say more?

I feel like in conversations with people in society, we try to get as much out as we can

as quick as possible because we feel like we're short on time because life is in a big rush.

Efficiency.

Efficiency.

Say it quick.

Say it better.

Say it sharper.

Just get to the point.

That's why we text.

We don't email anymore.

Really.

I don't email anymore.

Yeah.

So then one day I said to a friend, say more.

And they, they just broke.

They said, what?

I said, say more.

They're like, oh, okay.

Yeah.

And then like 10 minutes later, they're like, say more.

And I was like, yeah, this works.

It's almost a yes and say more.

Yeah.

Because it is beautiful.

And to remind ourselves that we do have time.

We do actually have space to slow down.

You have to create it.

You have to give it to yourself and not fall into the trap of the easiest thing, which

is to go quickly, quickly, quickly.

Right.

So say more, give me more depth.

It's like coloring in the, the page between the black and white.

Oh, here's a coloring book.

Well, the book is already written.

There you go.

We have to color it in.

We have to fill it in with all the color of our lives.

Poetry, for example, is the time and space of slowing down and filling in all the colors

of the human experience.

Well said.

Well said.

And when I asked that question, I'm also not waiting for you to finish speaking so I can talk

Right.

I'm interested in what you have to say.

So say more.

So here's how it goes.

Oh yeah.

Here's how we do it.

If you're joining us for the first time.

We read a card.

We've never seen these cards before.

And we read the question and we both answer honestly and authentically.

So take it away.

Cesar Cardona.

You want me to go first? 

Okay, cool.

Okay.

Ready?

All right.

Have you gone or would you go to a psychic or medium?

Absolutely.

I would.

I have never been to a psychic.

I've never been to a medium.

I believe in all that shit though.

I really do.

I think there's legit people out there and I think there's total frauds out there in terms

of psychic stuff.

But I love the beyond.

What might be and past lives and ghosts and all of that kind of stuff.

I think future predicting though in terms of this is going to happen on this date.

I think that would mess with my head a little too much.

I don't want to focus on that.

And it also is another idea of there's something external that I'm looking for and my life can't

begin until that external thing happens.

So for me, I don't know that it would really bring me any great value, which is why I've

never gone.

Okay.

Okay.

You have wanted to go to a psychic recently.

I've consistently wanted to go to a psychic.

I want to go to as many psychics as possible because like everything in life, there are people

that are closer to being accurate and some that are charlatans as well.

Fine.

Great.

I want to go explore that mystery also.

The main reason why is like that picture behind you of the man standing on the cliff, looking

out the Wanderer Above The Sea Of Fog is what the painting is called.

That image is as close as I feel inside represented externally.

When I see that image, there's no other image that doesn't feel closer to my being.

And what does that mean?

There's something that I always feel like I'm just out of reach with.

Describe the image.

Yeah.

Describe that image?

Yeah.

Well, thank you.

Thank you. 

Thank you so much.

The image of the painting is this man standing on a mountain looking over this vast landscape

and it's very foggy and there's some mountains and canyons kind of poking out and you only

see his back, but you still get the image of the wonder and the wander as well.

I really resonate with that image.

I feel like I'm always searching for something there, something deeper.

I can't really put my finger on what it is.

It's always been there.

I would love for a psychic to lean into that and tell me something.

I wouldn't prime them by telling them I'm looking for that, but something like that.

And then secondly, I also want to just find out if there's anything, spirit guides over me.

A therapist once told me, you've got a lot of great spirit guides looking after you.

I want to know what's to be said about that.

I'm a pretty spiritual person, but I don't lean into wanting spirituality to guide me.

I feel like I am just a spiritual being existing.

My actions in the world are more practical.

I just want to know it because there's a big question mark there.

And if I don't ever get it, that's also fine too.

I did the journey.

The spirit guides are, it made me like all warm inside to think about because I had never

really heard of that.

And then in my spiritual journey, I went into a meditation and asked them to show themselves

and they did.

And I found out for me who my spirit guides are and I'm unclear.

Did I just make it up?

Did it, did it really happen?

But I got a very clear visual of two different entities.

They had a very clear energy, which was they were silent, but they were all knowing and they

were of my past and my deep history of my ancestors.

And it was such a calming, nurturing feeling that I don't care if I'm right or not.

You shouldn't.

You shouldn't.

If it makes me feel better, then I'm leaning into it and I'm buying into it.

And it's only for me.

I'm not telling you what they are because that externalizes it into something that is somehow

tangible and it's not.

They're spirits.

So for me, it helps me.

Who cares?

If it's right or if it's wrong.

And we're saying right or wrong in a material reductionist science-based thing, which is also

a very beautiful thing as well.

But if it vitalized you and gave you peace and clarity, then it's more real than any of

those things can test.

Also, you go out into the world with that now and then you affect the practical and real world.

So how real is it?

Quite real.

Because now you're invigorated with it.

And I don't access them all that often, but I know they're there.

If I'm in a place where I really need to communicate with them, then I know that I can do that.

And it makes me so excited for you to have some of that inside knowledge because I know you are a very spiritual person.

And I think there's a huge amount of spirituality that you haven't yet tapped into that you could.

And it would be cool for you to have more of that information.

Yeah.

Agreed.

Yeah.

I would like to participate in that.

I would love to find more and more psychics.

Will you go with me?

Yeah.

Okay, great.

I'm going to start finding some psychics to go to.

Just come with me if you can.

Yeah.

Great.

Everybody send in your favorite psychics in the LA area.

That would be fantastic, actually.

Could we have a psychic on the show?

Yes.

That would be great.

There we go.

Let's just learn about your spirit guides right here, right now.

Beauty in the breaking the realm.

Oh my God.

I can do that every time.

What is your most unpopular opinion?

Ooh.

I don't know.

You go.

You go.

Okay, I'll go.

I really feel like to have a kid, people should be required to take some sort of course on child psychology.

Just child development, maybe even.

Not necessarily modality, but just learning what you do and what you don't do will affect a child.

And if you don't do that, you might get a fine every year during taxes or something like that.

Because I'm also not going to say, like, lock them up.

That's ridiculous.

But there should be some more sort of accountability here.

I've got to get a license to drive a car.

If I want to cut hair, I've got to get a license.

That's wild.

I'm going to create an entire human who's going to be on the tab of the rest of the world after 18 years?

I should know a little more about what society has learned so far about children, generations after generations.

It's wild that we don't take any kind of course on either marriage or raising children before we just lock ourselves into very long, legally binding contracts.

Both of those are legally binding contracts that a lot of people who've done it are like, never again.

On both sides, how do we not give training for this?

And not only that, there just doesn't exist a whole lot of training.

It's not until you're four years, five years, eight years in, you're going, oh, I need to take a class.

Oh, I need to read a book.

Right.

But we're solving the problem after there's a problem.

After the fact.

Right.

We're not getting ahead of it.

But we did go to four years of liberal arts college just to get an English major.

I'm sure.

And debt.

Yeah.

So I feel that way.

And often I hear most people when I say that, they're like, oh, okay.

I guess I could see that.

I had one person that said, I don't agree with that at all.

And I was like, all right, fair, fair enough.

Fair enough.

Well, along those lines, I think, I don't know if it's popular or unpopular, but I want to retroactively go all the way back to the times when we lived in villages.

I just think that would solve so many things in regards to raising family.

I believe that we've gotten very insular and isolated in the way we live in the world.

And we're sort of sold this bill of goods of like, oh, as soon as you meet someone, you're going to want to get married and you're going to want to have children and also buy a house and take on this debt and a dog probably.

Okay.

And then you're going to live, but don't trust your neighbors.

They can't really be trusted.

You know, you need to pick a fence around you and you need your own lawnmower and your own this and your own that.

And it's all spun by capitalism.

Whereas we used to have these things around us when we lived in tight knit communities.

And so many of my clients need support because they live very far away from their families.

So we don't have, especially here in LA or people who live in New York, they don't have their aunts and their uncles and their grandmas and their moms supporting them in those early days.

And it's such a loss for everybody.

You know, even my mom who would come out and do her best to see the kids once or twice a year.

It was still not enough.

You know, I needed support.

The kids needed their grandmother around.

We live very far away and it just makes it very difficult.

So if we were in the village, you know, your neighbors would watch your kids.

The kids would all play together in, you know, whatever the dirt.

What is it?

The dirt square.

The dirt square in the village.

And they would be safe.

Also, they would have other adult figures in their life looking out for them.

Hey, hey, hey, don't go over there.

There's, I don't know, what is it?

Tigers or something over there.

But they would trust the barricades of the other adults around them.

Can we bring that more modern though?

Because we can't go back to the village, right?

So what can we do here?

Because you said it, blocking off the neighbors, right?

Not sharing.

Now, which is ironic because we tell kids all the time, you have to share.

As soon as you get older though, no, no, no, no, no.

Don't help out.

Don't give your taxes.

Don't do this.

Don't.

The exact knowledge as soon as we get older.

How do we make that real in this society?

This is my life's drive.

I want to figure out how to bring a modern day village into a big city like this.

I think it starts with knowing your neighbors.

I think it starts with having some kind of community space and a sharing of resources.

I love the idea that you can have a community hub for what's the tool you need for your yard.

Okay, it's here, right?

You could have an apartment in your apartment building.

How many vacuums do you really need?

How often are you vacuuming?

I mean, you actually are vacuuming every day.

But most people just need one vacuum.

You could go down and borrow it like a sewing machine, let's say.

If you're not sewing every day, how often do you need it?

And libraries, the library system is actually quite great at this.

Free access to books, the internet, free printing.

There's a whole tool library at a library here in Los Angeles where you can try out 3D printers.

You can use sewing machines.

They'll teach you Photoshop.

I mean, it's free access to all of this stuff, but you have to go to a communal space for it.

I also know there are some walkable areas here in Los Angeles where there are people who have small children and there are people who are older and need more friends and more community.

I want to bridge the gap.

I want to bridge the gap and help them find each other because those older women who are looking for more of that youth to be around them, they can link up with these young, overwhelmed moms who just need a break.

There's so much opportunity to link people together.

You're right.

Sometimes I feel like I can see those things sort of trying to bud in the world a little bit.

I love that thought.

I love that.

Especially that thought of the older and the younger.

That's fantastic.

Okay.

Okay.

What do you believe makes a family dysfunctional?

Ego.

And let's zoom in on that more.

The inability to negotiate.

The constantly thinking that you're always right.

The thinking that they're always wrong.

The non-realization of they're not incorrect, but they are incomplete.

And so am I.

I could think of off the top of my head, five people I know whose families have two people who just aren't talking to each other.

Oh.

And then they don't tell anybody why they won't either.

Oh.

It's a lot of this blocking off.

Secrecy.

Secrecy, back and forth.

There's some of it in my family as well.

I don't ever want to be the person who crosses his arms and just says, no, we're done here.

I think that level of grandstanding, thinking that I'm the smart one in the family or the right one or the oldest one in the family or whatever comes with it.

I don't think that that's the best way to go about it.

I think an open space should always be there.

And you can put up a boundary too.

I think I can hold two things in my thoughts at the same time.

I think a family becomes dysfunctional if they're unwilling or unable to look at their own stuff.

That means looking at their family history and where the trauma has come from.

That means looking inward at your own self, where your trauma came from and healing that.

When we go into relationship with another person, there's this idea of, well, they will complete me or they will fix me or they will make me better.

But if you go in whole and the other person comes in whole and healed, which takes a while in your life to become to a mostly healed place, then the two of you can grow together and enhance each other's lives.

And I think bringing children into the mix, you have the same responsibilities.

It's my job to heal my own wounds before I bring children in.

I'm going to pass down whatever is still in me.

Right?

So I want to give them the most healed version of me.

And I say this sometimes with my clients.

This is an important conversation to have before you have children.

But also there's no better time like the present, which is to have what will come up when we have children.

What are the triggers that might come up or how will we handle triggers when they arrive?

You're going to be sleeping less, be in survival mode, barely able to feed yourself, let alone, you know, do anything self-care oriented.

You're literally talking about how do I get enough sleep?

How do I get food in my system?

How do I stay hydrated?

That's pretty much it.

So when you're in this survival mode, obviously all of your wounds can come out.

You can be easily triggered, not listening to the other person.

These are the conversations we can have before we bring this other small human into the fold.

If we aren't aware, that makes a lot of dysfunction, brings it forward and passes it along.

We take it out on somebody who's lesser than us.

That's great.

I love that.

Next one.

What have you discovered about yourself through your partner?

First thing first, I became far more creative in this relationship.

I watched you in the habit of creativity.

When we first met, you were putting out a new song every month that year and you were getting

up early at 5 a.m.

And I was still sleeping and you would be practicing piano.

You were going to vocal lessons and you were putting out new songs and you were writing and you just had so much creative output while holding down your clients and everything

else that you do.

I was so inspired by that.

That habit was like, I want that.

I want that for me.

I didn't have creative habits at the time.

That was what started my practice of writing.

really making it a habit.

Instead of just writing when I felt like it or when I had something very deeply emotional going on, I started to write every day, every morning.

And then it morphed into poetry and then it became a book.

And, you know, it just, it reaped benefits so compoundedly.

I don't know if that's a word.

It's a word now.

Yeah.

It was compounding the benefits I received from having the habit of creativity.

That was one.

I also began to feel like all parts of me are welcome.

All parts of me are beautiful.

All the weird things that I do and say are actually not just accepted, but appreciated and loved.

And it has made me feel more of myself that has made me get to know myself and have the confidence to put her out into the world in a way that is so freeing and satisfying.

I can't even begin to explain.

Thank you.

Thanks for saying that.

When you tell the story about watching me get up in the morning and do all this stuff and you started doing it, it's one of my like proudest moments because you've been so successful.

I'm successful with the book and doula and this, the show.

And when you say like, oh, I just saw him do something and I'm like, yeah, cool.

I helped.

Like, do you know?

It just feels really nice.

So thanks for saying that.

Have I changed since being in this relationship and in what way?

Absolutely.

100%.

I try to stay away from absolutes.

This is one that is an absolute.

First thing first, feeling really, really safe to not understand stuff.

You've seen me go through trying to understand something that's really complex or sometimes not complex.

And that my trauma response kicks in.

I get sweaty.

I get sleepy.

If someone's explaining something to me and I'm not getting it, there's a part of me that still feels like I'm going to get yelled at or hit.

And you've been so kind, so gentle to let me have my own way of figuring this stuff out, which has been amazing.

Similarly, you giving space.

When we first started dating, I said, we need to go very, very, very slow.

I need to figure out what's going on within me.

Kind of like how you said a minute ago, before I go and create a life, even if it's not a human being life, a partnership life, I need to make sure that I'm all good on my side as best as I can get.

You never pushed me to move forward quicker.

You never questioned even how long did nothing.

And that has been how you've been to me about everything.

I went through the stage of wanting to eat more junk and not working out.

You just let me have the space.

Not one time have you pushed me to be a little more a particular way.

Not one time.

Not once have you said, Cesar, could you love me differently or see me more or any of that stuff?

And some of that's a valid thing to request.

You didn't even request that.

And what has happened?

I've wanted to see you more and more because of it.

You give me this great space to actually blossom, not just vine into your garden because you need it or you want it or you prefer it or whatever.

You just give me the space.

And you've never asked this, but the unspoken part about it is some days I just want to hang out in your garden.

Since you've blossomed, I just want to enjoy your flower too a little bit.

And that's how I've changed is by knowing that I can become this person who I really want to be instead of who I think I need to be for this partner.

Thank you for that.

Next question.

Next question.

Is there anything about growing older that scares or concerns you?

Yeah.

Not scared.

There are just moments that I'm just so raptured with life.

And I think one day I'm not going to have this.

Songs.

Moments of my face in the sun.

The sound of the wind blowing through the trees.

By the time I get old, I'll have it thin, but I know at some point I won't.

And I'll miss it.

I believe that at some point I'll experience it again in some iteration.

That's mainly it.

I can deal with the actual pain of life.

Totally.

I've done it millions of times.

If someone said to me, Cesar, you're going to be the last person to survive out of all the people you know.

Great.

I'd rather take all that pain of loss than those people because I'm used to loss.

But there's something so beautiful again about the present moment of like, I'm going to miss this song one day.

That's the concern.

Nothing I can do about it.

And it reminds me to enjoy as much as possible.

That's the beauty of life.

It's the bitter and the sweet.

It's the beauty and the break, right?

The one thing I fear is losing my mind.

Oh my gosh.

Oh, that's a good one.

Continue, please.

If I were to be diagnosed with Alzheimer's or dementia or something where I would really not have my cognitive ability and maybe my physical ability as well and not be able to remember the people in my life.

I don't want to be a part of it.

I don't know if it would be painful in the moment.

I don't know if actually being in that experience would be painful.

But to have you lose me in that sense where I'm there but I'm not me anymore, that thought hurts me deeply.

I wouldn't want that for you.

And I've seen both sides.

I've seen people take in their parents who have dementia and needing high levels of care and how difficult that can be on their own vitality.

That it pulls them into that caretaking place for the rest of their adult life for years and years and years.

And that is really painful.

I don't want that for anybody else.

I've seen the other side too of like, well, then let's go put them in a home or somewhere away.

And that also feels gross to me.

So it feels like there's no right answer here with a dark disease like that where I would lose my mind.

Right.

Right.

Which is growing in percentage of people.

I feel like it's something we're eating that's giving us so much of that.

Processed food or something.

There are some studies about it but different conversation.

You're right.

You and I spend the majority of our time trying to grow our brains and expand.

And we also know at some point, like a castle made of sand, it's just going to go back into the ocean.

Yeah, well said.

Next one.

What do you think happens after death?

Oh my God.

We did not read these questions.

Wow.

So for me, I really do believe in reincarnation in some regard.

That's the question, right?

Yeah.

Everything happens after we die.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

So I definitely believe souls have multiple lives and multiple chances here.

I think when we're really locked into the human part, the realism of this concrete world and we're just like dialed in it.

This is what matters.

And money and taxes and mortgage and all of these things, right?

I think we forget the spiritual.

And when we die, we get to the pool of consciousness and that part goes, oh, right.

Damn it.

Got it.

Go back in.

Let me go back in the game.

Let me go back.

I got it now.

I got it.

Let me go back in the game.

Let me go back in the game.

Let me go back in the game and a video game.

Yeah.

I really do think it's like that.

We get back and like, oh, right.

We were just supposed to enjoy and grow and learn.

And it wasn't all so serious.

Let me have another chance at it.

I work with newborns every day pretty much.

And I've had the glorious pleasure to hold these souls that are here brand new to the earth.

And every time I have a moment with a client's baby where I'm looking at them and they're just looking around at the world.

And I'm like, I know, right?

I know.

I know.

It's so crazy.

Welcome.

Welcome here.

Again, some things are changed and you'll find it out.

But little by little.

And they're just in this kind of state of awe.

They're just figuring it out.

And I just think they have momentarily forgotten all the deeper parts, all of the consciousness parts.

And they're here in this physical reality.

And you get to play the game.

And then I think you get to come back.

Agreed.

Do you agree with that?

I totally agree to that.

From a Buddhist perspective, we use the word rebirth.

It's a little different reincarnation.

But essentially, it's getting across the same thing.

It changes the perspective of you coming back, Foster, into a conscious being.

That was also something else before that.

You're the conscious being.

You're not the iteration of Foster copying and pasting, right?

Again, parallel.

But it's a specific difference.

I do feel that way, too.

Yeah.

I agree with that.

I'm a non-dualist, which means that there are no actual two things.

This society that we live in right now really leans against the material creating the consciousness.

All of us being aware.

It's the other way for me.

Consciousness is where all of the material comes from.

And my consciousness is who I really am.

My body has changed over time.

My thoughts have changed over time.

My feelings, my emotions, my beliefs, my friends, my taste.

All that stuff has changed.

I'm awake.

I'm sleeping.

I'm dreaming.

Deep sleep.

You name it.

All changed.

My conscious awareness of it has been consistently there.

And it's never changed.

And it's formless.

I think that's what I really am.

I resonate and I look at the world from there.

So I get to watch my body change and go over time.

To move forward with that, that consciousness is where all of this comes from.

So right now, I am metaphorically a scoop of honey.

I'm a little focused bit of honey on its own.

At some point when I die, the honey gets poured back into the jar of honey, which is consciousness.

So it seems separate, but it's not.

What's more is that that consciousness finds a million ways to iterate itself, right?

When you go back into that bucket of honey, sometimes there are wrinkles or crystallized versions that might appear in the next scooping for you.

To say that we all know that consciousness, we are made of atoms, atoms, molecules, molecules to quartz.

And that's string theory where all these vibrations are going on because we're frequencies.

Frequencies carry information.

So sometimes when one information gets traveled to the next one, but not all of it, that's why, in my opinion, people will be born and start talking about a past life.

There's that book about life before life where the University of Virginia studied like 3,000 kids on them talking about previous life stuff, and they went and tested it, and it was accurate.

Consistently accurate.

That's science, by the way.

It's not just Eastern.

That's science.

That's Western science.

I think that sometimes those crystallized folds in information and frequency get carried to the next one, and that's where we get that from.

But still, ultimately, you are honey.

I think that also the past lives bit, this would answer the question as to why do you feel so connected to Sufi music?

The different types of music and religions that you are attracted to, you feel like that's already in your body.

I feel the same way about African music.

When I went to South Africa for the first time at 22, it was like, oh, my God, this country is everything to me.

I've been here before.

And with music and dancing and everything that comes from sort of the African side of the world, I feel like it lives in me already.

Yes.

You have a similar experience about a different area that you've never been to.

Absolutely.

Eastern things.

Desert, Eastern is constantly attracting me since I have been a child.

I listen to a ton of Sufi music like Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan.

They're speaking in Pakistani.

The tones are different.

It's completely non-Western and it feels so foreign.

The moment I heard it, I thought, yes, that is it for me.

My belief systems have almost always leaned towards something a little more Eastern, which is Buddhism, Hinduism, The Upanishads and so on.

And then to take it even a step further, the first time I ever saw the desert in my life, I immediately cried.

I felt like I was home.

It was West Texas and the sun was coming up because I was driving.

And I felt like I had been welcomed to some home base, some home place.

And then in the Western side, without even knowing this, the people I tend to enjoy the most, thinkers, psychologists, so on and so forth, they will talk about something and they'll say, I got that from, and it's some sort of Eastern practice.

And I go, oh, there it is again.

There it is again.

And a lot of those practices feel that similar non-tunist, that non-duality that I personally feel we are.

How can we explain it, except maybe you've been there before?

Might be.

Yeah, exactly.

Okay, one final question.

Last one.

Let's do it.

Have you ever been put in charge of something you are not equipped to handle?

Absolutely.

I know it immediately, actually.

I worked at this law firm and the firm was representing people who were being foreclosed by their bank.

This was in 2012.

So this is still running just out of the housing market crisis.

So we're working for those people and we're helping them, which by the way, I want to say,

I've heard banks tell those people so many times, we don't have your file.

We didn't receive what you sent to us.

We called them as lawyers and they just so magically found it.

I'm always going to share that story because it drives me nuts.

Big banks.

Anyway, I started there working with a boss, just her and I in an office as small as a kid's bedroom.

We grew that in less than a year's time to about 24 people.

She, however, had a lot of vices that were getting in the way of her job and they let her go.

They pulled me into the office and said, would you like this job?

It's good money.

I liked where I worked, but I saw how much stress she had not doing it.

My whole life has been about quality of life.

The hustle mentality is not for me.

I was 23, by the way.

I diplomatically said to them, thank you for that.

I appreciate it.

I'm more focused on something else, music or whatever I said.

They said, okay, no problem.

Would you mind just having that position until we found someone else?

A lot of me knows that they were thinking of, let's just give it to him and then he'll see

he wants it because they started showering me with stuff.

Nope.

Not one time that I want that job.

That first day was brutal.

I pulled everybody into a meeting and told them all, this is what we're doing.

We're doing this and this and that.

We're going to revamp this whole organization.

How would you five do this?

You five do that.

Come to me if you need something.

I'm not sitting in this office where she was.

I'm sitting at my desk still.

You come to me.

I'll be out here.

Everybody came to me for every single thing.

To cap this off, I remember I was sitting down at my desk at the end of the day.

You know, you do that two fingers on your temple kind of thing.

You know, you sit there and you do that.

And my eyes were closed and my thumb was resting on my cheek.

It was all I had left.

And then when I finally opened my eyes, my coworker was standing over her cubicle looking at me.

She texted me later and said, you look like the president

on his first day.

And I was like, I feel like it.

I didn't even smoke.

I went and bought cigarettes that day and smoked.

I was so stressed from that job.

There was so much information because of, you know, again, the housing crisis.

But because of that, I've learned big banks, man.

Brutal.

Not good people.

Oh my God.

Yeah.

My answer.

Here's the crazy thing.

I'm in charge of a family.

I'm in charge of two children.

And they get older every single minute.

And I've never had that age before.

So I don't feel equipped ever to be a parent, really.

I am making it up as I go along.

It's constant.

And I think it is one of the biggest misconceptions is that anybody ever understands what they're doing.

I've never had a 12 year old before.

I have a 12 year old.

I am learning what that age means, what that age needs.

I am failing constantly.

I am lying in bed at night without any alcohol in my system going, I got to figure out how to

do that better tomorrow.

Even having two, the younger one, you know, I've had an eight year old before, actually.

It was four years ago, but they are completely different.

They're not the same at all.

They're not the same at all.

They're going to respond completely differently.

And I feel completely ill-equipped to handle my family at all times, pretty much.

If I look like I know what I'm doing, I'm faking it.

I have one friend that I always go to in times of crisis where I'm like, what would she do?

Because she really looks like she's figured it out.

I'm going to go download some of her wisdom to me and see if any of, if I can make any of that work.

I just don't know.

I am flying by the seat of my pants every damn day.

With the friend that you mentioned that you asked, if you ask her, does she say she knows

what she's doing?

She's got a great sense of humor about it.

She's like, oh God, I know, right?

Who knows?

Well, let's see.

This is what I've got so far because she's just a, her kids are just a couple of years

older than mine.

So she's been through at least that stage.

But she does really validate the fact that nobody knows what they're doing, but she has

great responses.

Great ideas.

Oh, that's great.

That's great.

That's great.

At the end of the day, she's also making food for her family all day and doing all the things

and something's got to work.

It's super brave of you to say that.

Very brave of you to say that.

Seldom will people say that stuff publicly.

What's more is that I've been a boxing trainer for nine years and I've trained with a lot of

people and most of them, I've been lucky enough to get closer with them.

A lot of them have kids.

They've all confided in me to say that we don't know what's going on.

We're doing the best we can.

And somehow, for the most part, they turn out great.

But you're right.

I could only imagine how many people right now are watching this saying, that's me too.

So yeah, brave of you to say that.

That was fun.

That was super fun.

I always like playing this game.

As always, thank you so much for listening and being here with us.

If you have any questions of your own, feel free to send us a voice message or an email

at beautyinthebreakpod@gmail.com.

You go out and have an amazing week and ask your friends if they'll just say more.

And as always, please be kind to yourself.

If this episode spoke to you, take a moment and send it to someone else who might need it.

That's the best way to spread these conversations to the people who need them the most.

And if you want to keep exploring with us, make sure to follow Beauty in the Break wherever

you get your podcasts.

We'll see you next time.

Beauty in the Break is created and hosted by Foster Wilson and Cesar Cardona.

Our executive producer is Glenn Milley.

Original music by Cesar + the Clew.