Do We Actually Suck at Compliments?

Do you struggle with receiving compliments? Foster and Cesar explore the art of giving and receiving compliments. Why do we have such a hard time accepting praise? And what’s the difference between physical and character-based compliments? Together they unpack how authentic affirmation strengthens relationships and how rejecting a compliment is like rejecting a gift. Foster and Cesar also dive into masculine and feminine energy dynamics in how they exchange words of affirmation. They each share their favorite compliments and how to truly make someone’s day. 

In this episode they explore: 

• Why rejecting a compliment is the same as rejecting the person giving it
• Why physical compliments are the least interesting thing to give (and why)
• What happens when you compliment someone on their effort vs. their appearance
• How masculine and feminine energy shows up differently in giving compliments

If this episode spoke to you, you will love Stop Caring What People Think: The Art of Giving Less Fucks. You can also watch the episodes on YouTube.

If you enjoyed this episode, take a moment to follow Beauty in the Break on your favorite podcast app and leave a review—it really helps!

Reach out to the show—send an email or voice note to beautyinthebreakpod@gmail.com and be sure to follow on Instagram and TikTok. 

Cesar Cardona:

• Receive his newsletter Insights That Matter
• Get guided meditation from Cesar on his website 
• Listen to music from Cesar + The Clew on Apple Music and Spotify

Foster Wilson:

• Buy her poetry book Afternoon Abundance
• Learn about her postpartum services
• Receive her newsletter Foster’s Village

Created & Hosted by: Cesar Cardona and Foster Wilson

Executive Producer: Glenn Milley

This episode is brought to you by Jamaal Pittman. You can donate to his scholarship at WheelerScholarship.com, supporting college enrollment.

Transcript

Never comment on anyone else's body.
We are two lesbians.
Probably.
So I just receive his words of affirmation.
That's it.
Darn.
Like period.
Welcome to Beauty and the Break.
Here we explore stories of how barriers are broken,
both within ourselves and within the world.
I'm Foster Wilson.
And I'm Cesar Cardona.
This is a home for you.
Questioning the rules you inherited and choosing your own path forward.
We are here with you on this messy and courageous journey.
Let's dive in.
You trying to lead me into an episode slyly?
I know what you're doing.
Damn it.
I knew it.
Yes.
I knew it.
He's like, quick, how fast can I hit record?
Oh, I set you up.
I set it all up.
I hit it.
Damn.
I knew it.
Damn it.
Too well.
Well, we're here.
Welcome to Beauty and the Break.
Welcome to Beauty and the Break.
Foster spent the last 10 minutes dancing, singing, and going,
brah.
Yeah, trying to get my energy up.
So the pattern I've noticed is when we sit down to record these,
they can't be called solo episodes because there's two of us,
but they're not guest episodes, right?
It's not guest episodes.
No one guest episodes, two of us.
And when guests are here, it's a different energy, right?
Yeah.
When it's just the two of us, I notice a pattern that it's what I have before I have to do something creative
and have to take that leap every time I do something new.
And I get really tired and lethargic right before we started recording.
I had great energy all the way up.
I'm like, oh, I feel totally different today.
So great.
You got here.
And basically, it was as soon as we were getting ready to set up, my whole body was like, I'm tired.
I don't care about anything.
How could I possibly record an episode?
I have nothing to say.
And if you know me, that's not usually my MO.
I have a lot to say.
Somebody asked me yesterday if I get nervous before I give a talk.
And I said, I get nervous right when there's that moment of, well, there's no turning back now.
Where they're like, I'd like to introduce you all.
I'm like, Jet, here we go.
All right.
I feel it right then and there.
So I'm going to assume that when I walk through that door, you're like, that's it.
Now I'm held accountable because there's another person that's holding me up here.
And I feel like it's my brain trying to trick me because I have been in the practice of like, listen to your body.
Listen to what your body has to say.
And so now I'm noticing, oh, my body's feeling tired.
And I do have an out.
Like if I said to you, I don't want to record today, you'd be like, okay.
And we could turn right around.
Now, if we have a guest here, that's not going to happen.
But if it's just the two of us, my procrastination brain can push it off to the side.
And I actually could say, I'm too tired.
I don't want to do it.
And that's not it.
It's not that I don't want to do it.
It's part of the fear of like, uh-oh, I'm going to take a leap.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to say.
I have no idea what's going to happen here.
I have no idea.
Yeah.
And there's a big responsibility and accountability of what could go wrong and blah, blah, blah.
And we've known by now by what?
What are we?
Episode 48, 49, almost 50 episodes, something like that now.
And we've known that every single time we've done this.
And what comes out, comes out.
And we make the best of whatever we have.
And episodes have gotten better and better.
We've done all of the work to try to carve out which way we want to do it.
And what's the better choice?
Should we be more chill?
Should we have more energy?
Should we be one episode every week?
Just all of the iterations.
And it's going to keep happening as well.
So we might as well just keep leaping, keep swimming, and less overthinking it.
Yeah.
And I've noticed that I had that pattern last time.
And to try to combat it this time, when I noticed it, I was like, this is my tell.
I said to you, this is my tell that I'm scared, I guess.
And so I just turned on music and started dancing and singing at the top of my lungs to try to energetically combat the lethargy, the heaviness.
Yeah.
Lethargy.
Lethargy?
Lethargy?
Lethargy.
Lethargy.
You said lethargy?
Lethargy?
Lethargy.
Lethargy.
You know what?
If they want a G, lethargy.
Shit.
Chemically, do you think it's like an anxiety, pressurized thing that feels too heavy and then you don't let it out so then your body's like too much weight?
Maybe.
Energetically speaking?
Maybe.
But it's not nerves.
Nerves feel totally different in my body.
This is like, I'm going to give you an out.
I'm going to give you an out.
Yes.
Okay.
So I'm going to work this through with you because there's a thread there.
What you're feeling is a result.
That's a secondary emotion.
And you could be feeling that as a response to a different type of nerves or anxiety or worry or whatever.
That's what I'm trying to get my finger on there.
Yeah.
The worry is something is going to get asked and I'm not going to know what to say and I'm going to have silence.
Right.
That's my biggest fear is that I'm just going to clam up and not know what I'm going to say.
Yeah.
Well, I can say to that as your partner, and I say this to you quite often, is I can't tell you what to feel or think, but I'd like to say something to you so when the thought comes up again, you can maybe play that response back.
One, we edit the show.
I know.
I know.
Right.
And then two, you have clammed up before.
Mm-hmm.
Show still went on.
I'm like, you need a moment?
Okay, cool.
I'll go.
I'll just start talking this shit.
And then all of a sudden, next thing you know, two minutes later, I'm like, oh, she's back.
Yeah.
She's back.
Cool.
Great.
Here we are doing the thing.
I'm the exact opposite, actually.
Today, I was at a wellness event at a college for, did meditation.
First off, I keep forgetting I have all these sparkles on my eyes.
I was going to say, why is this not a video episode?
Because, first of all, I'm in a messy bun and in my hiking clothes from this morning.
And Caesar, he has sparklies all over.
Sparklies on one side of his face, and the other side has a little heart.
What is it?
More sparkles?
It looks beautiful, actually.
Well, it's sleigh on this side, and it's fierce on the other side.
Okay.
Thank you.
All right, Sasha.
I see you.
I appreciate it.
But, yeah.
So, it would have been good to do a video episode, this one.
Yes.
Compliments?
Yeah.
I thought you were asking me, am I going to give you a compliment about your...
Intro.
And then you went, yep.
Yeah.
Compliments?
Yep.
Compliments is that the sparkles are slaying.
Oh, thanks.
Oh, you thought I was asking for compliments for this shit on my face.
Compliments?
I already forgot it's on my face.
But, though, that's the topic of our conversation today is compliments.
How to receive them?
What do you like to receive?
I would say this is really important for me because this serves everybody in the world.
It's very simple to give one.
It doesn't require much energy, and it can make someone's day.
That's a big return of investment.
That's true.
The first thing that came to mind when I thought about compliments was how difficult it is for many people to receive compliments.
Yeah.
I think I've come a long way on that, partially because of being in relationship with you and you are so complimentary.
I've had a lot of practice, but I really do believe that receiving a compliment is like receiving a gift.
You wouldn't say, oh, no, thank you, and shove the gift back in their face.
And a lot of people do that, myself included, when someone pays you a compliment and you go, oh, no, no, no, no.
Oh, this little thing.
Oh, no, no, thank you.
Oh, no, you, you.
And they like either reject the compliment or feel obligated to respond with an equivalent compliment.
It's a very social norm sort of a thing, but we, I think that's really a rejection of the other person in that moment.
If you say no, that you're not going to receive their compliments, like rejecting their gift.
It's rejecting who they are and how they feel.
Because what they're really saying is, I enjoy this about you.
And you're saying, trying to say, no, no, you can't enjoy that about me.
Yeah.
I go right back to the story of the Buddha, where if somebody offers you a meal that they've cooked and you say, no, thank you.
Whose meal is it?
It's still theirs.
And he says, well, the same with anger.
Someone offers you their anger and you don't accept it and they hold on to that anger.
It's kind of the same thing with that.
It's like, oh, good job today.
Your singing was phenomenal.
No, no, no, no, no, it's not.
Or, yeah, but it could have been better.
Now we've got this impasse of conversation and the compliment you gave me is just still yours and not being received.
I feel like there's a false humility.
I feel like there's a default humility that we've kind of bought into.
Like it's cool to not accept the compliment.
We're like a race to the bottom.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, really.
That's a good point.
But when we get to a point where we just don't want to take the compliments, it started being the reverse effect.
So humility and being humble is beautiful.
And there's a part in us that we should be like, thank you for that compliment.
I appreciate it.
In whatever gender you were conditioned growing up in this world, there is an element of I cannot take up space as someone who was raised as a woman or a girl.
The humility piece, the like, oh, no, I'm not going to receive that.
It's like a shrinking that we do to ourselves.
Because for women in this world, taking up space can be really unsafe.
And so to stand in your power and to stand in your reception of what someone is giving you, they're giving you something to almost boost you, to almost energetically make you bigger.
The aura of you is taking up more space in the room.
And that has been conditioned to be something that's very unsafe.
And I just want to reframe it as like, it's such a gift to the other person to receive what they're giving you.
That's interesting.
I never thought of it that way.
I usually only see it as the person not receiving it is the one that's not getting the gift, the benefited gift.
If I give you a compliment, I think you're beautiful.
And then you don't receive it.
I still think you're beautiful.
But then I look at you, I'm like, she didn't really acknowledge herself as beautiful.
That's what it sounds more like to me.
Client after client for 10 years of telling somebody how good they've done, I can almost hear the parent that told them when they were younger that they weren't good at it.
The client can spend a whole hour just owning the workout and they've missed one thing and they'd hold on to that one thing.
I had to learn how to be really tricky with that sort of stuff to help somebody realize their own power.
It's tough.
But I hadn't thought of it in the way that you're saying it.
I remember I dated this girl years ago and I would give her compliments when we first started dating and she would say the same thing every time.
If I said you look beautiful or whatever, she'd go, am I?
Every time.
And then one day I said, do you not think that you're beautiful?
And she said, why do you say that?
And I explained to her, you give me the same phrase every time.
What do you think you are?
By the end of our relationship, if I give her a compliment, she would say, thank you.
I appreciate it.
She got out of that default of humility, that default of rejecting the compliment.
And then I think about you when you and I were together.
How has that felt for you from the beginning when we were together, when I started complimenting you, all the way till two and a half years later?
I mean, you are highly complimentary to the point where I remember going into my therapist and being like, I don't know, like this is a lot.
And I don't always feel here's what I want to say about reciprocity.
Okay.
So if someone pays you a compliment that we do this polite thing with other people oftentimes where we put it right back on them.
Oh, you, your hair is great too.
You know, and it feels oftentimes inauthentic.
And I think that the sort of correct exchange of energy is to say thank you.
I really appreciate that.
I think that's the most fitted response in this time, in this life right about now.
Yeah.
Yeah, because let's say I compliment my friend on something she did.
What I want to do is I want to give that compliment to her.
Yeah.
Right.
So the correct exchange of energy is for her to receive that.
That's it.
End of story.
Now, if there is something authentic that the other person wants to compliment me on, that's fine.
But it feels almost obligatory or inauthentic to just respond with the same thing.
So I think the correct exchange of energy is to say thank you.
I really appreciate that.
Something along those lines where you've received it.
You've acknowledged it.
You've taken it in because the two of us, the two people are in some kind of relationship with each other.
And that means that I value your opinion.
Yeah.
In a similar way of giving them back a compliment is by telling them how nice that felt.
Yeah.
I've done that quite a lot lately.
Somebody would say something to me, especially like in giving a talk.
And the compliment I've gotten a lot lately, I will say back to them, thank you.
Actually, that's one of my favorite compliments I can get.
Thank you for saying that.
That really makes me feel happy.
And I usually put my hand right below my chest and just right where my stomach is because there's like a warmness right there that I feel a little bit.
And I feel like that's a way to compliment them back instead of making you feel like you said of like, oh, thank you.
I like your dress too.
You know, I like the hearts on your face and the sticky things on your eyes as well.
You know, the way you phrase it just now convinced me a little more on that sort of exchange that's going on.
And so to answer your question, I did go into her and took this idea of like-
The therapist.
My therapist.
Yeah.
This idea of like, I'm receiving so much from him.
I don't feel like I give that much back in verbal affirmations, I should say.
I said, I don't know if this is okay, but I don't think he has a problem with the fact that I'm not saying anything necessarily back every time he compliments me.
And she basically was like, I don't really think there's a problem then.
So I just receive his words of affirmation.
That's it.
Darn.
Like period.
Can I just lay here while he basks in my beauty and perfection in his eyes and don't say anything back?
Okay.
Okay.
Keep scrolling on my phone.
There's like a chickpea dripping out of my mouth.
Probably.
A chickpea, by the way.
But that is, I mean, it still comes up to this day.
I still have that like, am I doing this right?
Am I receiving this right?
I give you compliments at least, at least.
How many, at least, how many compliments do you think I give you a day?
15 to 20.
15 to 20?
Okay.
In my head, I told my, our friend, Isabel, I said, I said, I probably give her like at least five.
If we're together, it's more than five.
No, you're right.
It's 15 to 20.
I will definitely give you compliments a lot.
And I do the same for the kids.
One, I get in the habit of giving you the compliments and I, they're a habit.
And also I'm really present when I'm giving you those compliments, no matter what.
You're so cute.
What?
You're doing yoke.
You're doing Tai Chi basically when you're moving your glass of water around and also the
piece of paper.
So you don't want to make noise in the microphone.
You're essentially doing Tai Chi.
I should give you a ninja's outfit.
There is a point that I'm habitually giving you compliments and I'm also very present when
I give you the compliment because I want it to consistently land at a deeper level for
you.
Very often when I give you compliment, I am talking to you, that faucet I'm looking at,
but I'm also trying to talk to the psychological version of you, the deeper subconscious version
of you that will pick up my authenticity subconsciously.
I never think too much about getting them back from you.
It doesn't occur to me.
I will say when you do, it feels great.
It feels really great.
And then I do notice when you haven't done it in a while and it doesn't bother me, but
it shows up in my thoughts.
And I'm like, all right, well, you know, that's not really her thing.
That's not how she goes about it.
It doesn't occur to me to want it from you and never do I say it to you and expect it
back.
Never ever.
I think I've felt for so long that like everything in relationships has to be
reciprocal and even and equal.
And I have such a different understanding now that I feel like you and I have yin and yang
in so many ways that there's a dynamic that's like you have provider energy, which means that
you are interested in like the caretaking of me in some way.
And that means, you know, emotionally, physically, all of that.
And I used to be like, well, it should be exactly the same.
And then I should feel guilty if I'm not interested in that, if I'm not interested in caretaking
you.
But what it really is, is that I'm caretaking in all other aspects of my life, in my work,
with my clients, with my children, out in the world.
Like I'm in my, I'm actually caretaking, but it's actually I'm in my masculine.
And then here I get to come back and be in my feminine and you get to care and you get
to be in your masculine.
And that brings you satisfaction.
It's not that you do it so that I'll do it back to you.
No, no, no, no.
It's like that, that actually brings you satisfaction.
And I started to allow that more and more.
Right.
Like you would get up from your seat, even though you were further away to go get me the
thing so that I didn't have to get up.
Oh yeah.
At any given moment.
I'd do it right now if you wanted me to.
You want me to do something?
You want that guitar back there?
I'll get it for you.
Right?
Like that is so, it used to be so foreign to me.
Sure.
Now I understand how, like how to sit in that.
Right.
I almost want to say like, this is like a right place for us.
Yeah.
Like a place for us to sit in that we both thrive, even though it's not equal, even though
it's not the same, even though it's not reciprocal.
Right.
My job is to kind of just fill the pockets that I can see that will help you get to the thing
you're doing.
I'm almost like your, your agent in the moment or your producer backstage.
Like the, right before you go on stage, I'm rolling you, you know, and getting all that.
Here's some gum.
And like, you're going to, this person walking up to you, their name is Donald.
Yeah.
Heads up.
Yeah.
I, I think like that.
And then second, you said that it's kind of like you're out there masculine and in here
feminine.
Ironically, I feel more feminine when I'm doing that stuff for you.
Oh, how interesting.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Cause I have to be in tune with what your needs are.
And when I'm in tune with what your needs are, then I do things that I see you really
appreciate.
So that requires me to be more in tune with the softer, intuitive side of me rather than
the rational side, rather than the logical structure, do this and do that side.
Now that supports some of it too, because I've made a promise to myself.
If her water glass is more than half empty, refill the water.
Don't ask a question.
Refill the water.
That's that.
In the middle of the night, if I wake up and I feel like it's hot, I'm not going to wake
you up and say, are you hot?
I'm just going to go in and do the thing.
Flat.
That's like masculine.
Do the thing.
See it.
Move on.
Right.
The feminine side of me feels like I'm, I love cooking for you.
Like today I text you.
I was like, Hey, we have this and this in my fridge.
Uh, I can stop the Trader Joe's and I would love to cook for us today.
That feels way more feminine to me from a, like an energetic thing.
But then also, uh, this society's role playing thing, because every woman in my life, when
I grew up, all of them cooked constantly and they were amazing at it and they enjoy doing
it.
And then ironically, my dad cooked.
And so like, I kind of like amalgamated all of that into like serving for you.
So it's very interesting that you say it feels like it's masculine out there, feminine
in here.
I suppose that in this apartment and in your apartment, when we're just together, we are
two lesbians.
Probably.
Well, I think that the feminine, I mean, it goes both ways because the feminine is receiving
and the masculine is giving in my perception of it.
Yeah.
At surface level.
Yeah.
Yeah.
For sure.
For sure.
But at the same time, like the feminine is the like creator of life, which means that
that is giving.
You're on it.
Of life.
Yeah.
Wherever we go, the further you follow that thread, you're going to end up in the yin.
It's going to turn into the yang.
Yeah.
It's constantly flowing that way.
So even to, obviously it's not gendered, but even in the masculine feminine of it all,
I think what we're really saying is like the give and the take, the balance, the yin and
the yang of it do these two parts like fit together.
So when you compliment me, I'm in receiving mode.
This is something I've been thinking about a lot lately.
Sometimes will put me outside of myself to hear that.
Like I'm in myself, I'm doing, creating, thinking, being with you.
And then you compliment me.
And suddenly I have this outside perspective.
It's a self-consciousness.
Yeah.
It's not bad, but it's like, oh, do I need to think about myself from the outside in this
moment?
As opposed to just being embodied in the here and now.
And it takes me out of the current moment.
And then that happens enough times.
I sometimes don't feel like I can turn over and get into a place where I can give to you
because I'm, I'm in the receiving mode.
Do you ever have the intention or desire to want to blend it?
Say more about that.
Yeah.
Because like the way you're saying it sounds like you have to like literally change hats
or, you know, change complete roles.
But do you ever think to yourself, how do I find a way to make these tools just flowy
and accessible at any given moment?
Like the changing of the hat, right?
You got to put this hat on and the next hat.
But to follow the metaphor, can you take the brim of the hat and turn it backwards?
And now it's just like, oh, now I'm doing this.
Oh, now I'm doing this.
Now I'm doing this.
Maybe.
But I would think of it like a dance.
Like you're coming towards me in the dance.
I have to back up.
Okay.
You're coming towards me in the dance.
I have to back up.
Right.
And when that happens for long enough, like it's a, it's a shift of energy to shift it
back in the other direction.
Sure.
For me to be able to come to you, sometimes you would have to back up, create the space
so that I can then come to you.
Yeah.
Okay.
Now this is going to get really heady here, but to follow the metaphor of the dance, isn't
it inevitable that we will go back another way?
And in another direction?
In the opposite direction, right?
It's inevitable in the dance, the flow of everything.
Would it behoove you to have a part of you that is ready at any moment to just redirect
and go into it?
Probably.
Are you ever in that headspace for that?
Or is it only like, no, we're going back right now and I need some notice before we go back
the other way?
I just need space in order to go the other direction.
Okay.
I see.
And by space, you mean time?
Both physical space and emotional space and also time.
Okay.
Yeah.
Fair enough.
What's your favorite compliment to get?
I was just going to ask you, but what I wanted to ask you is, what do you think my favorite
compliment to get is?
It's kind of twofold.
If I told you that you accomplished the things that you wanted to do and you did them really
well, that's, I would assume your favorite compliment.
That's up there.
I would say my favorite compliment is I love the way your mind works.
Oh, cool.
Okay.
I can see that.
And then I also like the compliment about anything about an idea I had or like something creative
I outputted.
That is especially feels strong from like when it comes from someone whose work I also respect.
Sure.
That's why people want to win Oscars, right?
Because to be given it by a peer who also the respect is reciprocal.
Yeah.
So when I, when someone recently who is in a similar field paid me a compliment about my
work in that same field, I was like, oh, this means so much coming from, I feel so seen in
the work I do because you, you know what it's like.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think there's, uh, Jimi Hendrix who loved Bob Dylan was walking down New York street
someday and he looked across the street and he saw Bob Dylan walking by and he walked up
to him and he's Jimi Hendrix, by the way, at the time he was like on top of the world and
he's so shy.
He's like, hi, my name's Jimi.
Uh, you might've heard of me, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And Bob Dylan goes, yeah, yeah.
You did my cover.
You did my song all along the watchtower.
I love your version of it.
Jimi was like on cloud nine.
You couldn't tell him shit for that day after that.
That's crazy.
That's crazy.
That's gotta be nuts.
That could be nuts.
Yeah.
I assume like for you, Glennon Doyle walked up to you and was like, I love your podcast.
Oh my God.
I'm going to, I'm going to have an orgasm right now.
Just the thought of it.
Holy shit.
You can do anything.
We were on Brandon Kyle Goodman show.
Yeah.
Tell me something messy.
Glennon Doyle follows Brandon Kyle Goodman.
So it got into my head that it was possible that Glennon Doyle had possibly seen a clip
of me talking on that show.
And I was like, that alone, I'm like three degrees of separation.
The chances are high enough for me to feel really excited about that.
Yeah, truly.
It's two degree, I think.
Two degrees.
Yeah, two degree.
Even better.
Yeah.
The compliments I care the least about, you're going to be interested to know, are physical
compliments.
I feel eh about them.
I feel whatever about them.
And part of it is because I made a note in my head years ago to never comment on anyone
else's body.
First of all, it is the least interesting thing in other people.
It's just not my place.
And it's also an area with which people have the least control over is how they look, right?
Yes, you can do your makeup and you can pay for your hair to be done a certain way and things
like that.
But most people have very little control over the way their physical appearance is.
And so to me, it's like the least interesting thing.
I would never say to a friend, I noticed you've gained weight.
So I would never say to them, I noticed you lost weight, right?
Like I just, it's off the table for me.
But those are different.
That's not a compliment though.
That's not a compliment.
Some people would say that was a compliment.
Okay, sure.
But those are just observations of a reality.
Right.
But people say, oh my gosh, you look so great.
You've lost so much weight.
Like people put it in the form of a compliment, but they wouldn't say in the reverse.
Oh my gosh, you've gained so much weight.
I think it's more hairier than, it's more dynamic than that.
Because you can also say like, a lot of us can be like, man, you look, you look healthy.
You look good.
You look like you've, like you've been eating really well.
You've been working out.
You look, there's also that.
And that's an implication that you put on muscle mass and therefore weight.
There's also that.
What if it's, what if it's the way you, I think it's the way you frame it more than anything
else.
Perhaps, but what I will say is that there's probably always a deeper, better compliment
that you could have.
Interesting.
You could give someone.
Okay.
We spend an eternity of our lives, the last 50, 60 years since there's been television
invented and billions and billions of dollars focused on physical appearance.
I just think there's so much more to humans than that, that I'd rather skip over that one
and get to the next thing.
I can compliment someone having beautiful eyes.
My kids have beautiful eyes and I can say that to them and yet they have no control over
it.
They didn't do anything to receive that.
That's cool that they have that.
But I can said I could compliment them on the work they've done and something that they're,
an area they're growing in.
Effort that they put into something.
Effort.
and who they are as a human and just to remember that they're worthy and valuable just as they are.
Yeah, I could see that. I could see that. I agree with you. And also I see it still differently.
I think that what you're saying is a part of a bigger pocket because there are some things that
people do work on a lot. And it's really hard actually to make those changes. So if you
acknowledge that in somebody, it means like your discipline, your time, your self-care,
your love for yourself, your knowledge of the information, your body command, all of those
things are baked into that compliment. That's why I think it's how you frame the compliment and what
you say. And there are some things that, yeah, like you said, in that pocket that's like, I can't do
anything about that. To compliment somebody's eyes because they were born that way, great. But it's
also saying like, whoa, what an amazing natural thing to happen for you and you own this natural
beauty. Awesome. That's also cool too. It's cool. Yeah. What about you? What is your,
favorite compliment to receive? My favorite compliment to receive has been the tone of my
voice. Really? Yep. A hundred percent. Interesting. A hundred percent. I get, yeah, apparently I am
now. I think your voice got deeper as you started to speak about your voice. Did everyone notice that?
Probably because you're thinking about it, you know, there's that now, now, now, I'm sure there is. So
whoever you're listening, press the 15 second button back and watch the follow through. It's a great
compliment. And I didn't know I was going to like it so much when I started getting it. A few years ago,
when I started sending more voice messages to people, they would say to me, your voice is so soothing.
And they would say it after the fact. Sometimes they say it in the beginning, but they would say like,
yeah, I'm washing the dishes or I'm cooking or whatever. I'm listening to your message. It's really nice
because I hate doing the dishes, but your voice is so soothing. So it makes it easier for me. And it's
kind of those compliments I like a lot. Yeah. If someone just says, oh, I love your voice. Great. I still
love that too. But I don't know when it's hidden in like just the naturalness of your day or your
sentence, it feels better. What's more is that as a speaker, a professional speaker and a meditation
guide, it has been extremely effective. And then I've trained how to utilize the tone and pitch of
my voice when I want. He's doing it right now. I'm doing it exactly right now. In the manner in which
I can say a word, knowing that when I get to the end of this sentence, I'm going to drop the sentence
downwards. So, you know, I'm being a little more authoritative that I'm being a little more sure of
myself. And then also if I have an idea, which is a light bulb visual, I'm going to go up with the
thought, right? Getting those compliments are phenomenal. And this is the really interesting part.
I never got compliments on my singing voice when I was a musician for 18 years.
Oh my God. Nothing, nothing, nothing. Wow. I get compliments on my guitar playing. That's it. Full
stop. What does that say to you? Well, it says to me, one, I'm in accord with the thing I should be
doing because the thing I'm doing, speaking requires the tool, my voice, which is landing on the person
who is now coming back to me and saying they enjoy it and then is making me feel great. I have no control
over how I feel when someone tells me they like my voice. I feel great. I can't not enjoy it.
We had that, I forget your friend who was doing the editing on our voice on for the podcast. I don't
know what he said exactly, but he said your... This is Pablo. Yeah. He said, oh God, he said like your
voice is just like butter all the time or something like that. Yeah. Because you were talking about
modifying the modulations of the vocals and he goes, but not Caesar though. Caesar's voice is always
great. It's like butter. Yeah. And I love that compliment. Yeah. Love it. And then to get back
to your question here, as a musician, as a singer, I sang so much and I never liked it. I do not like
singing. It doesn't give me any joy. So therefore I don't like it. Yeah. It doesn't make me feel
fulfilled. I can count on one hand the times I've sang and walked away and said, man, that felt really
good. It's been 18 years doing something. It's a long time. It's a long time. And then out, it took
less than a year for someone to say to me during your meditations and it soothed my soul. Of course,
I'm going to want to hear that. It feels great. Yeah. And now I spend all my time working on how to make
sure my voice is as accepted to the person's ear and soul and a balm to their being as much as possible.
It's so interesting because I think that a compliment is really saying something that you do
affects me. Yeah. I love this thing about you. I feel joy and love and excitement. Even if you're just
past a stranger on the street and they're wearing a super fun dress and you compliment, I love that
dress. That is just an expression of my joy. I am not out there trying to make that person's day
or trying to make them feel something. Obviously I don't want them to feel bad, but it's really just
an expression of myself. Right. So I don't give a lot of compliments and it's not just you. It's work
for me to remember to compliment people, my friends, my kids, my coworkers. It's work for me. It's just
not something that comes naturally to me. What I think comes easier to me is gratitude and love.
If I say thank you for that, that's easier. Thank you for doing this, being this person,
for being a good friend, for showing up for me. And I love this about you. That to me is like greater
than a compliment. Interesting. Okay. But still the words are hard. The words are hard for me to remember.
Yeah. I think for me, when I saw giving somebody a genuine compliment, what it did to them,
knowing that I'm not getting anything in return. I'm just giving and it just locks them in and it makes
them feel a certain way. I realized, oh, I'm going to, I'm going to do this forever. I think I probably
saw it first with my mother because my mother is so charming. She's so charming. She can charm any
person. When I was about eight or nine, my mother got this house and the neighbors next door were
coming over a lot and they were a white family. They were very country, very Southern. And we got along
with them all the time. My mom would tell her to come over. Her name was Debbie. She'd have her,
we'd come over with her kids and we'd play. Debbie invited her friend to come over and hang out with
us. And I don't know why she forgot to tell her friend that we're black, but her friend pulled
right into the driveway. Lights were going on straight through the front window and she saw us.
And then she just stayed in the car and didn't come out. And we're like, what's going on? So Debbie
goes, walks outside and says, what's going on? Blah, blah, blah, blah. She comes back in and says,
I'm sorry. I forgot to tell you guys we're black. She doesn't like black people.
Lord. My mother does not miss a beat. She goes, oh, huh. Okay. I'm going to just go out there and say
hi to her. 10 minutes later, this woman is walking inside. 10 weeks later, this woman's coming over
without Debbie. She's just hanging out with us, having a good old time, laughing, all the sort of
stuff. And I picked up on that right then and there that your words and how you treat somebody can change
and move mountains. And she does it every day. She still does it every day. Every day.
What do you think she said to her?
I don't know. She probably just charmed her, like gave her a compliment. She probably met her to space
to make her laugh. And then my mother probably just said, I'm going to keep being me. And didn't say,
come on inside. She's like, I'm going to come inside. If you want to come in, you're more than welcome
to. We're going to love you anyway, girl. And the woman brought herself inside.
The beautiful thing about that, your mom, like bless your mom, because how many people in that
situation would have gotten, and rightly so, would have gotten, who does she think she is?
Yeah.
And, or I have a piece of my mind, I'm going to tell her or whatever, or, or fine, let her be that way,
write her off, you know, with, and she kind of just like one ups everybody with kindness and
generosity. She overpowers somebody's negativity with her authentic positivity. It's not false
positive. It's not false positive at all. She just overpowers them with the beauty of who she is.
Right. There's a domineeringness about her too, a deep confidence, strong assertiveness in her
kindness. And you can feel it. And never is she like, take my compliment. She's, you're really going to
become aware of how wonderful you are. I know it. That's her assertiveness. And it comes across how
she talks and how she expresses things to people. And she puts her hand on people's chest and says,
you don't need to do that. You're better than that. And she goes into life, no matter who you are,
with the expectation and the assumption that we're all on the same team. She lives her whole life with
that matter. Even when somebody upsets her, she's like, my teammate, you didn't really do it for me.
All right, well, I'm just going to just go ahead and go away. And I'll, I'll revisit them later if I need
to. And she can be quite tough and still literally seen her. She, she physically, I saw her beat this
woman up once physically because the woman was being a highly erratic and aggressive. And then while my
mother is hitting this person, she's like, do you see what you made me do to you? She's like, do you
see what you made me do to you? And she like helped the lady up afterwards and all this stuff. Cause the
lady was, she was going to, she's causing a lot of problems.
That was a long time ago. Oh, it was a long time ago. I was, I was a kid. My mother assumes that
though, to, to, to wrap the point. What compliment do you like to give? What's your favorite compliment
to give? The thing that I would like to give more, let's say, is I love your energy and I love being
around you. That's cool. I think those two things really would fill up anybody. Like would, you know,
it would fill, it would fill me up to hear that. It could be authentic to pretty much anybody, you
know, that you care for. I'm speaking to their deeper version of themselves, a deeper genetic
version of themselves saying like, we would like you in our social group, which speaks to people
whole lot. Cause everybody wants to be liked and wanted. No, my favorite compliment to give is
lately. And it always changes is thank you for being you. I hug people right before they leave or
whatever it is. Thank you for being you. We have all these roles we think we're supposed to show up
as. Who am I supposed to be? Like if you ever, are you ever at a party and you think who do I have
to be in this party? Yeah. Right? Yeah. Lately for the past year or so, if I'm an event, I'm standing
there, I catch myself thinking I have to be a certain role. And then I'll say, I need to be nobody.
I can just be me. And then when I would see the people who really were authentically being them,
I would say to them, thank you for being you. I really appreciate you. And there's a runner up for
this too, because this one lands on people and makes them like clutch their pearls or hold their
heart a lot. Sometimes I'll say to somebody, you're a blessing in this world. And it just like their
whole body like, Oh, thanks. Thank you. And it just does something to them, you know? So I try to spot
something in them that is like, that's a blessing that they're sharing this. And I just, now it's
authentic, you know, cause I'm talking about something about them. Because I think we all
want to feel like something we're doing matters and affects the way other people operate in the
world. That is a great, great, great compliment. Well, well, thank you for being you. Thank you for
being you. That's all we got. And slay all day. Slay all day, girl. And as always, please be kind to
yourself. Bye. If this episode spoke to you, take a moment and send it to someone else who might need
it. That's the best way to spread these conversations to the people who need them the most. And if you
want to keep exploring with us, make sure to follow Beauty in the Break wherever you get your podcasts.
We'll see you next time. Beauty in the Break is created and hosted by Foster Wilson and Cesar Cardona.
Our executive producer is Glenn Milley. Original music by Cesar + the Clew.